Such an amazing strong women to allow me to share her journey. Very proud of Kylie for putting this together!
September 2012 we decided we wanted to try for a baby.. After 7 years on the pill I went off it not expecting anything to happen quickly but kept positive… 7th December 2012 I realised I was a few days late for my period so I went and bought a pregnancy test and sure enough there were the 2 lines.. I was so excited and couldn’t wait to call Danny my partner.
January 31st 2013 was my first scan, I calculated I should have been 12w 2d… Scan showed a beautiful little baby with an amazing sounding heartbeat, beating at 169 bpm, but measuring only 11w1d… because bubs was only measuring 11w1d it meant we got to have another scan the week after as the sonographer couldn’t get all the measurements they needed for the nuchal scan. My due date was then changed from 13th August 2013 to 20th August 2013.
Fast forward to 21st March 2013 and it was morphology scan day! I couldn’t wait to see and hear how our baby was growing and also hoped to find out the sex. I wanted a girl so bad after being surrounded by 3 brothers and majority boy cousins my whole life… When they said it was a boy I won’t lie I was devastated I wanted a little girl so bad but within 5 minutes Danny had me happy again and reminded me a healthy baby is all that matters, by then I was in love with our little man.. Being a boy also meant I lost the bet we had going and had to give Danny $20 to buy the first gender specific outfit.. Off we went to have lunch and do a bit of baby shopping.. Danny chose a cute little blue and grey tracksuit for our little man.. at first I was like really, a tracksuit is the best you could choose?! But it was a beautiful peacock blue jumper and it just made me realise wow we are having a baby boy!!
Over the next few weeks the fun of choosing a name begun… we agreed we wanted James as the middle name as that is Danny’s middle name but we couldn’t agree on a first name.. I wanted Talan.. Danny wanted Noah.. Danny ended up suggested Isaac.. at first I was like hmmm I like it but I don’t.. I then discovered a different spelling of it through one of the kids at work Izaac… I messaged Danny that afternoon and all I wrote in it was.. ‘Izaac’ he wrote back ‘Perfect’ so our unnamed baby boy became Izaac James.
By now I was around 28 weeks pregnant and beginning to plan a baby shower for around 32 weeks, I also had a 3D scan on my 25th birthday which showed us some amazing images and video of Izaac in the womb, just incredible footage and photos that I hold very close to my heart.
At just over 29 weeks pregnant we decided for the June long weekend to head to my dads up north at Nambucca Heads, I woke that morning to go to work not feeling 100% and extremely crampy I soldiered on anyway… got to work and couldn’t keep anything down not even water, I thought this was strange to get morning sickness so late in the pregnancy when I had never experienced it at all… I ended up calling someone in and heading home thinking I just needed sleep.. after a few hours sleep and a nice bath..still not feeling great we headed on the road north.. by the time we got near Karuah we had to stop for me to be sick.. I knew something wasn’t right but I made Danny continue on… by the time we got to Dads I still hadn’t improved.. by 7.30 pm I was on Dads lounge shivering so cold yet my body temp was extremely high.. Danny called my midwife who instructed us to head straight to the closest hospital with a maternity ward.. off to Coffs Harbour Hospital we went.. Upon arriving at the hospital my temperature had reached almost 41 degrees, they admitted me straight away and started attempting to get my temperature down.. they put me straight on a CTG machine to check the baby and his heart rate was dramatically high beating 180-200 bpm, they then instructed Danny out of the room to talk to him while they attempted to give me an ice bath and figure out what was wrong… What I didn’t get told till after it all was that they had told Danny if they didn’t get my temp down asap both the baby and I could die.. and that ultimately I am their patient so if treating me harms the baby that’s a risk they will have to take and that they were in talk with John Hunter Hospital to fly me down to do an emergency c-section. Within an hour they ended up getting my temp down to 39 degrees so the emergency flight was cancelled and babies heart beat had also stabilised back down to 150-160 bpm. Over the next week I stayed in hospital and recovered, turned out that I had food poisoning.. multiple tests and ultrasounds were performed over the week and all showed Izaac and myself were back to normal.
23rd June 2013 was my baby shower day, I was so excited and had so much fun decorating and planning it, it was the most amazing day celebrating Izaac’s impending arrival with those close to me. Izaac was very spoilt and I couldn’t wait to finish setting up his nursery.
The next few weeks dragged on a little and we were getting very excited at meeting our little man, I finished up at work at 38 weeks pregnant, the nursery was finished, the capsule was in the car – we were ready!
20th August 2013 – Due date came and went.. I will never forget this day.. That night we were sitting around with friends having pizza and watching TV when all of a sudden Izaac went crazy in my belly, I had never noticed him move as much as he did that night… everyone said oh it’s normal you watch his movements will slow down now and then he’ll come…
21st August 2013 – started out like any other day… by lunchtime I realised I hadn’t felt Izaac move.. tried a few things cold water, walking up and down the stairs, fizzy drink.. nope nothing budged him.. by 2 pm when my mum popped over I told her something doesn’t feel right I just knew… around 3 pm I noticed my belly had changed shape.. I called my midwife and left a message.. she called me back almost straight away and told me to try a few things and if nothing changes call her back, even though I had already tried I thought maybe I’m being paranoid I’ll try them again… nope nothing.. called her back and she advised us to head straight down to the hospital… Upon arriving they did their usual check of weight etc.. and we went into a room and they put the CTG monitor straight on me… nothing.. silence.. I could see it in her face that something was wrong she then picked up my heartbeat at 110 bpm and Danny said is that the baby? She said it could be.. but it’s a little low… I knew it wasn’t… she then left the room and said she would be back with a doctor… I knew it wasn’t good… the doctor came back with a portable ultrasound machine.. he turned it on and all you could see was a shadow, a limp little shadow with no heartbeat in sight..The midwife turned to us and said ‘I’m really sorry there’s no heartbeat’ with those six worlds our whole world stopped. I don’t remember crying, I remember just looking at the midwife, looking at Danny and then looking at my belly thinking no this can’t be right it was his due date yesterday?! How does a full term baby die in my belly? Why couldn’t I protect him? The midwife and doctor left the room to leave us alone for a minute and we just cried.. I just didn’t understand.. When the midwife came back she asked if there was anyone she could call for us but Danny said he would go outside and make a few calls.. They then said I would need to have a formal ultrasound to confirm and that it was booked for 7 pm. After the ultrasound was done they took me back up to maternity and then began to talk to me about what was to happen next.. all I could think was what are you talking about, what do you mean I have to give birth to my baby who has died? They began talking me through the induction process and then asked if I would like to start it now or come back the next day, all I wanted at that time was to go home and wake up and everything be okay.. but it wasn’t going to be. I ended up choosing to go home and ‘sleep’ on it.. no sleep was had even after the number of sleeping tablets they gave me.. I just went home and cried and cried and cried.
The next day I had to go back and begin the induction process, I was adamant I wanted a c-section, I thought how cruel can you be to make someone go through childbirth and deliver their child who has died.. Danny called the hospital and told them that I wanted a c-section, they said without me talking to the doctors and midwives they wouldn’t book it. So in we went… when I got there they told me all the pros and cons to having a c-section, I then went ahead with the induction… 4 pm Thursday 22nd August it begun… I was so lucky in having Danny and my closest friends around me for the whole journey, they helped lighten the mood as much as they could of course… It was a long and drawn out process, the first lot of gel didn’t work, so they attempted a second lot.. luckily that did and they broke my waters the next day around 9 am, not that there really was any ‘water’ left…contractions were still far and few between but they gave me an epidural straight away, I never wanted one originally but they said they would prefer to give me one as I was already going through enough emotional pain let alone having to deal with the physical pain as well… the day seemed to go on forever and it felt like it was never going to be over, around 8 pm they had to call a doctor in to help as Izaac got stuck and because he wasn’t ‘helping’ in the process it made it harder for me, especially with how strong the epidural….The Doctor came in around 9 pm and at 9.40 pm on Friday 23rd August 2013 Izaac James Walker entered the world silently and peacefully…
We had chosen not to see him straight away as we had no idea what to expect so they removed him straight from the room. After everything settled down I asked the midwife was there anything you could see that was wrong… The umbilical cord was wrapped around his neck twice, body once and leg also… the doctor struggled to loosen it to get it up and over his head… heartbreaking… a completely freak accident… they can never officially rule a cord accident as a cause of death as so many babies are born with it around their neck but from how tight this apparently was in all areas neck, leg, body.. I am confident this was the cause of our little man’s demise. It made me think back to the night of my due date and how crazy he was moving, was he in distress then? I try not to think about the what if’s but it is so so hard.
The next day around 10 am they brought Izaac to us, he was the most perfect baby boy, ten little fingers, ten little toes, a beautiful nose… perfect in every way, We dressed him in a navy and teal onesie and took lots and lots of photos, we invited our closest family and friends in to meet him, that afternoon I left the hospital, the hardest walk I have ever done leaving the hospital and leaving him behind.. I was able to go back and visit him over the next few days before he was moved to Palmdale ahead of his funeral. Heartfelt came out and took some incredible photos of him and Twinkle Toes did his hand and feet castings.
30th August 2013 – the day we had to say our final goodbye.. I never thought I would be burying my child, my baby boy, still to this day I have moments of ‘I can’t believe what happened, what we have been through’ We had a beautiful celebrant and 2 of my closest friends read a poem on my behalf and Danny read a poem he wrote himself, it was a lovely service for a baby who never got to live.
Izaac James Walker – you will always be so very loved and never forgotten.
Guest Blog @ Relaxed Parenting Blog by Kylie from the Central Coast, NSW, Australia
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