After coming across MaryAnn on Instagram a few months ago I approached her asking if she was willing to share her story and help raise awareness of infant loss. She jumped at the opportunity and was very keen to share her story. MaryAnn has related her story to Mothers Day and shared the thoughts and emotions of a mother who has an angel baby up in heaven.
I remember Mother’s Day of 2013 very vividly. I went to the grocery store and the clerk that checked me out said “Happy Mother’s Day do you have any children?”
I said “yes” then she asked how many? I said “One I have a son.”
She then asked where he was and I said “heaven” I grabbed my bags and ran as fast as I could to my car, crying.
In June of 2012 my husband and I just came back from a trip to Hawaii. On this trip we were trying to get pregnant and guess what?
I did in fact did get pregnant, it happened on the first try! I felt so incredibly blessed. I had a perfect textbook pregnancy.
At my last doctors appointment right before my due date everything seemed normal until they took us to the ultrasound room. The screen was moved away from me and towards my husband. I was handed a tissue box and the doctor said “I’m so sorry there’s no heartbeat.”
I asked why about 1000 times. (Sometimes still do). I had no clue that this could happen this late in pregnancy. My due date was just in a couple days. I then went on to deliver our beautiful baby boy Camden Patrick Majcher 6 lbs. 8 oz. on February 1, 2013.
Grief can’t be replaced by joy and the pain of losing a child is something that never goes away. It took lots of convincing for me to try for another child due to my PTSD around pregnancy.
In December of 2014, I found myself pregnant again. I was so scared and yet so hopeful at the same time. We then found out that I had a blighted ovum (a gestational sack with no baby) and I would miscarry.
My husband and I then started trying again in the Spring of 2015. I was confident that this was it and that I would get pregnant right away. Months went by and lots of negative pregnancy tests and tears became my new normal.
In 2016 I was determined to get pregnant. I stretched the truth to my doctor to get on clomid (a fertility drug). I was assured that most woman get pregnant on it within 3 months. 3 months went by and I still wasn’t pregnant.
I then went on to take some other fertility meds with no luck and was referred to a fertility clinic.
At the clinic they did lots of testing. The good news is that they did give me information about my body that I didn’t know before. Like having PCOS, MTHFR, and antiphospholipid antibody syndrome. (Blood clotting disorder that more then likely caused my sons death)
My left tube was also blocked and I was told IVF was the best option. I was ready to do it ASAP! Only problem was that my husband is in the military and we had orders to move across country. The plan was once we moved we would then start the IVF process.
In the meantime I was determined to get my body ready for pregnancy by going to acupuncture and figuring out my food sensitivities. This was life changing for my body!
As we were getting ready to move with nothing in our apartment I realized I was a couple weeks late for my period. I figured that it was just because I was stressed about moving. I had no expectations but had an extra pregnancy test and it was positive. I am now pregnant with our baby girl due this Summer of 2017. I am being monitored closely and I am on lovenox shots to help thin my blood.
I don’t want anyone to feel guilty because they haven’t had loss or infertility issues. I want others to know that there are so many women around us that we might not realize are struggling on a day to day basis and especially feeling vulnerable on Mother’s Day.
If you do understand the struggle I want you to know that you are not alone. Your story matters, it’s okay and completely normal to be sad on this day.
For me this year Mother’s Day is bittersweet. I have so much joy celebrating the new life of our baby girl and I have grief trying to accept that Camden is not here on earth but here in spirt.
If it weren’t for him I wouldn’t be the person I am today. I wouldn’t have the appreciation for the little things that I used to take for granted.
I have a little bit of peace knowing there’s hope because I will be reunited with him one day. Mommas be kind and compassionate to yourself and other woman because everyone has a story and possible pain behind their smile.
Guest Blog @ Relaxed Parenting Blog by MaryAnn Majcher from Charleston South Carolina